EXSPACETRASH.COM

Your ex wanted space. Give them some.

Pick a real, catalogued piece of orbital debris and give it your ex’s name. You get a certificate, they get some space, everybody heals. Eventually.

The full ExSpaceTrash crew of eight cartoon space characters on an asteroid, waving as a broken satellite tumbles past
๐Ÿš€ GET MY CERTIFICATE

Digital certificate $2.99 — or printed & posted from $19.99, if you want it to actually turn up on their doormat. A novelty dedication: the debris is real and publicly tracked; the name is ceremonial.

Real NORAD-catalogued objects ยท no account needed ยท See the public registry

How it works

Three steps between you and the most satisfying closure $2.99 can buy.

1

Pick your trash

Browse real, catalogued orbital debris โ€” dead satellites, rocket bodies, fragments โ€” each with a genuine NORAD ID, altitude and tracking data. One dedication per object: once it’s claimed, it’s gone.

2

Give it their name

Name it after your ex โ€” or your landlord, your old group project, anyone. The dedication goes on the public registry for all to see.

3

Get your certificate

Your certificate is generated the moment you check out. Digital, instantly โ€” or printed and posted to an actual doormat.

What you get

Every dedication produces a certificate like this one โ€” a real entry from the registry:

Sample ExSpaceTrash certificate: the orbital debris object catalogued as NORAD 30009, dedicated under the name Sea to the Shell

A novelty dedication โ€” the debris is real and publicly tracked; the name is ceremonial and confers no ownership. That’s the whole joke, and it’s a good one.

Make it a care package

Optional extras at checkout โ€” instant downloads, made by the crew.

Fair questions

Is this an official naming?

No โ€” and we won’t pretend otherwise. ExSpaceTrash is a novelty registry: the debris is real and publicly tracked, but dedicating it confers no ownership, rights, or official status with any space agency. It’s ceremonial. Gloriously ceremonial.

Is the debris actually real?

Yes. Every object comes from the public NORAD / CelesTrak catalogue โ€” you’ll see its real ID, altitude and orbit data before you buy. Claim one and that object is locked to your dedication in our registry.

What do I get, and when?

Your certificate is generated the moment you check out โ€” download it instantly, and it’s entered on the public registry. Printed certificates are produced and posted by mail. Every order also includes the free 9-sticker crew pack: a printable sheet plus transparent PNGs.

How much does it cost?

The digital certificate is $2.99. Printed & posted is $19.99 in the US, $29.99 worldwide. Optional add-ons at checkout: an emoji overlay for $1.99, the crew Coloring Packet for $3.99, and the Breakup Survival Manual for $4.99 โ€” all instant downloads.

Can someone else claim the same debris?

No. One dedication per object, first come first served. The app only shows objects that are still unclaimed, and the registry wall keeps the record.

Meet the whole crew

The original trio has been reinforced. Eight little professionals now oversee every dedication — including two printable extras they insist you know about.

The full ExSpaceTrash crew of eight cartoon space characters standing together on an asteroid โ€” the original alien, robot and cat astronauts joined by a hamster, a penguin, a green alien, an octopus and a sleepy koala
๐Ÿ“‚ Crew files โ€” who’s who on the ship (tap to open)

Crew files: post-breakup division

Every one of them is post-breakup. Every one of them is working on something. Nobody on this ship heals alone — here’s who holds up who.

Nova of the ExSpaceTrash crew

Nova

Purple alien ยท Captain & Chief Debris Spotter

๐Ÿš€ On the shipFlies the ship and spots the next piece of junk worth claiming. If it’s up there and it’s trash, she’s already named it.

๐Ÿ’” Still working throughShe can tell you her ex’s altitude, velocity and relationship status at any given moment. She checks his orbit like weather.

๐ŸŒฑ Working on itThe telescope is for work only now. Anything she wants to say to him goes in the logbook instead. Catalogued, not contacted.

๐Ÿ’ฌ Pillow tells them“You can’t steer by a star that already burned out. Rest first. Then look forward.”

๐Ÿ’ช Secret strengthShe can spot the good in any piece of junk in the sky — including herself, on the days that’s hardest.

๐Ÿค Best supports: Bolt

Bolt of the ExSpaceTrash crew

Bolt

Little robot ยท Registry Keeper & Engineer

๐Ÿš€ On the shipLogs every claim into the public registry and keeps the ship (mostly) in one piece.

๐Ÿ’” Still working throughReplays the old message thread like flight data — analysing reply times that stopped meaning anything months ago.

๐ŸŒฑ Working on itThe thread is archived in the cargo bay. Diagnostics run on Sundays only. It’s progress. It’s in a spreadsheet.

๐Ÿ’ฌ Nova tells them“Data isn’t a conversation, Bolt. Log it and let it drift.”

๐Ÿ’ช Secret strengthHe remembers every kind thing anyone has ever said, word for word — and reads it back to the crew on their worst days.

๐Ÿค Best supports: Miso

Miso of the ExSpaceTrash crew

Miso

Cat astronaut ยท Navigator & Chief Morale Officer

๐Ÿš€ On the shipCharts the course and keeps morale up. Lands every landing on her feet. Inspects all snacks personally.

๐Ÿ’” Still working throughThe 2:17 AM text. Her paw has hovered over “send” so often the button should be worn smooth.

๐ŸŒฑ Working on itShe dictates the text to Bolt instead. He files it under Transmissions To Nowhere, where it belongs.

๐Ÿ’ฌ Bolt tells them“Send it to me. I have infinite storage and zero judgement.”

๐Ÿ’ช Secret strengthAlways lands on her feet — and she’s always the first one suited up when somebody else needs help docking.

๐Ÿค Best supports: Hamlet

Hamlet of the ExSpaceTrash crew

Hamlet

Hamster ยท Quartermaster

๐Ÿš€ On the shipIn charge of supplies. Hoards snacks, batteries and emergency crackers in quantities the ship does not strictly need.

๐Ÿ’” Still working throughThere is a cargo pod of his ex’s stuff. Ticket stubs. A hoodie. The hoodie. He sleeps in it. He knows.

๐ŸŒฑ Working on itOne item a week goes in the donation airlock. The hoodie is scheduled last. It’s on the calendar. He’s being brave about it.

๐Ÿ’ฌ Miso tells them“Keep the memory, love. But the hoodie is structural at this point. Release the hoodie.”

๐Ÿ’ช Secret strengthPrepared for absolutely anything. Crying? He has tissues, cocoa, and the good crackers, in that order.

๐Ÿค Best supports: Pico

Pico of the ExSpaceTrash crew

Pico

Penguin ยท Wingman (actual job title)

๐Ÿš€ On the shipThe crew’s wingman. Can’t fly. Supervises flying. Morale support with a formal title and total commitment.

๐Ÿ’” Still working throughPenguins mate for life, so Pico rehearses The Talk in the mirror, pebble in flipper, to an audience of nobody.

๐ŸŒฑ Working on itThe pebble went into the crew’s Futures Jar — saved for a future actually worth proposing to.

๐Ÿ’ฌ Hamlet tells them“Save the pebble. Save the speech. The right one gets both — once.”

๐Ÿ’ช Secret strengthLoyalty you can set your watch by. If you’re his person, he will waddle across the whole asteroid in a storm to bring you soup.

๐Ÿค Best supports: Sprout

Sprout of the ExSpaceTrash crew

Sprout

Little green alien ยท Ship’s Botanist

๐Ÿš€ On the shipGrows the ship’s plants and oxygen. Newest crew member. Landed here straight out of a breakup and stayed for the garden.

๐Ÿ’” Still working throughKeeps abducting new hobbies — fourteen this month. Fluent in none. Owns a unicycle now.

๐ŸŒฑ Working on itOne hobby per moon cycle. Currently watercolour. All the portraits are of the crew. The crew pretends not to notice they’re getting good.

๐Ÿ’ฌ Pico tells them“You don’t need a new personality every orbit. Water the one you’ve got.”

๐Ÿ’ช Secret strengthAsks the second question — the one that makes you feel actually heard instead of just answered.

๐Ÿค Best supports: Inky

Inky of the ExSpaceTrash crew

Inky

Pink octopus ยท Communications & Chief Hug Officer

๐Ÿš€ On the shipRuns comms from her dome on top of the ship. Eight arms: one on the radio, seven available for whoever needs holding up.

๐Ÿ’” Still working throughAn octopus has three hearts, and all three of hers went dramatic at once. She keeps eight conversations going so she never has to sit in the quiet one — her own head.

๐ŸŒฑ Working on itScheduled dome time. Comms off. One arm at a time. Feelings in order. It’s harder than it sounds, and it sounds hard.

๐Ÿ’ฌ Sprout tells them“You don’t have to hold everybody at once. Start with the arm that’s yours.”

๐Ÿ’ช Secret strengthCan hold space for literally anyone. Remembers how every single crewmate takes their cocoa.

๐Ÿค Best supports: Pillow

Pillow of the ExSpaceTrash crew

Pillow

Koala ยท Night Watch & Rest Officer

๐Ÿš€ On the shipNight watch. Sleeps twenty hours a day and is somehow awake at exactly 3 AM whenever a crewmate needs him. Nobody understands it. Nobody questions it.

๐Ÿ’” Still working throughSlept through the entire first month after his breakup. Avoiding feelings at a professional standard.

๐ŸŒฑ Working on itNaps now happen after one (1) feeling per day, written on a sticky note. Some days the feeling is just “tired, but honest.”

๐Ÿ’ฌ Inky tells them“Rest is a strategy. Avoiding is a detour. Nap first, feel second — but both.”

๐Ÿ’ช Secret strengthWorld-class 3 AM presence. Never panics. Makes the cocoa. Stays until the sun comes up. Every crew has one; he’s ours.

๐Ÿค Best supports: Nova

Honorary Crew Member № 0 — Laika

Laika, a small short-haired dog with tall dark ears and a white stripe up her forehead, grinning happily from the cockpit window of a small round spaceship as a heart-shaped star glows beside her

Before any of this crew flew, she did. Laika was a stray from the streets of Moscow who, on November 3, 1957, became the first living being to orbit the Earth, aboard Sputnik 2. She was never given a way home — so this ship keeps a seat for her: bowl full, light on, window seat forever.

Good girl. You were the first of us. 🐾

Your ex wanted space.

Give them some โ€” a real piece of it, with their name on it.

๐Ÿš€ GET MY CERTIFICATE โ€” $2.99

Digital in minutes ยท printed & posted from $19.99 ยท free sticker pack with every order